All poems

Down with the Strictness

There once was a man
Who so hated his life
That he went outside
And conquered a wife
His wife bore him children
All daughters, no son
And he was determined
To allow them no fun

All he expected
Was perfect obedience
For their chores to be done
With the greatest expedience
“Think as I say
And not what I do
My rules are designed
Exclusive for you”

His opinions were Truth
His hobbies The Greatest
And if you disagreed
You were berated
He felt very threatened
By thoughts not his own
No outside opinions
Allowed in his home

He didn’t like women
But he was outnumbered
So he stayed up each night
To drink while they slumbered
But during the day
He could be such a jerk
The family was happier
When he was at work

His commute was so long
By the time he returned
To avoid his mad tirades
His daughters had learned
A dish in the sink
Would cause him to lose it
It was better to hide
When he threw his fits

During weekdays in summer
No matter how hot
A/c not allowed
The expense wasn’t worth it
“Who cares how it feels
I’m at work all day
And it’s cool enough there
So why should I pay?”

He liked to buy things
That he kept for himself
He filled up each closet
Every surface and shelf
Ice cream and video games
Were a premium fare
Extra money or chores
To convince him to share

When the daughters grew up
Much to his dismay
They rejected his home
And all moved away
The moral of this story
Is easy to see
If you mistreat your family
They eventually flee

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Allegory of Agile

My job had a square peg
To fit into a round hole.
Imagine my frustration
When I could not meet this goal.

Certain that the problem
Was a failing of my manner,
I traded in my mallet
For a shiny, larger hammer.

When that approach failed,
With my resolve unswayed,
I next sought out
A consultant of a square pegs.

He billed me for weeks
Until his conclusion was clear:
“What we really need
Is more square peg engineers.”

So we hired a team:
Developers, analysts, and testers.
But the problem remained;
No return for our investors.

A round hole consultant
Was the next to be enlisted.
He ordered twice as many hammers.
“You should use them double-fisted.”

Our efforts seemed futile
And our profits were waning.
But I could see that the answer
Was in more hammer training.

The most expensive trainers
Were sure to be the best.
Our team was HammerPlus Certified
After passing all their tests.

The peg still wouldn’t fit
So we brought in a shape expert.
We scheduled bi-daily meetings
And doubled down on effort.

He reproached us for our method-
Outdated Hammer 1.0.
“What you should be using
Is this updated approach:

Individual hammers
Is a framework that’s outdated.”
Now we know a better way,
So Hammer 2.0 was instated.

If two hands can hold a hammer,
Surely four would be much better.
The more hands per hammer,
The more you further your endeavor.

So this project ran over budget
And our manager had no recourse
But to lay off our department,
“It would be better to outsource.”

The manager earned his bonus
Using money saved from payroll.
“Thanks to your great leadership.
We’ve met our cost reduction goals.”

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Flatten This

Sold yourself out
For your addiction to fear
Flattening your IQ
While you pretend to shed a tear

Never gave a damn about them
Until you bought into the plan
All expenses paid vacation
From that job you can’t stand

Now you’re a hero for Amazon
Walmart, and Netflix
Your poor corporate masters
Need support through pandemics

Hospitals must stay empty
Gotta keep them on standby
Ain’t got no billing code
If you stay at home to die

The fence around my house
Keeps the outside in a jail
Some breadcrumbs for you peasants
Just socialize by mail

Suddenly on house arrest
Your life is now a crime
Until they find a way to profit
Big Pharma needs more time

Reduced to masked bag-o-germs
With will so easy to bend
Your money stops
Where my comfort extends

Sheltered in my castle
Don’t worry, we’re “in this together”
I volunteered your future
To be sacrificed forever

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